Soooo ridiculously homesick it’s not even funny. For a place I haven’t lived in nearly 5 years. A place that I usually can’t wait to leave after a week or two there on vacation. But right now I want to go back so bad I can almost taste it. I don’t care about the humidity or the traffic or the all around crowdedness. I want to go to the mall and hang out with my sister-in-laws, I want to be 5 minutes from people I can hang out with any time I want, I want to be able to jump in the car and make a random Sonic run, I want to make picnic plans with friends, have childless fun with other couples. I want to not always be feeling the cultural divide. Of course, I will always have a cultural divide anywhere I go, but I can deal with it there. I’m just so bored and lonely and depressed and lonely. Everything is the same old, same old. I need some spontaneity. My house is dirty and there are three loads of laundry to hang out, that won’t change no matter where we live, but at least there I could go somewhere fun to escape from it. Pretty much, I just wanna give up and go to Sharp Shopper. I’m tired of trying to make it work here, tired of always being the odd one out. Yeah, I’m odd in PA, but a little less so. I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe the situation with Farmer Man’s job. Maybe the fact that our dreams seem so far out of reach with a lot of lonely years between now and then. If they ever happen. Maybe we shouldn’t even risk it. Maybe we should just go home now, save ourselves the heartache. I actually did tell Farmer Man that if we don’t have something going in the next 2 years, if I still haven’t found “home” here, we will seriously revisit the issue. I’m tired of trying.
Just. So. Hard.
But that would mean ripping the kids from the only home they’ve ever known. Granted, they’d probably be ok with living near their cousins and family. But they wouldn’t get to attend a small town public school, or be part of a small town community. That’s what I want for them. Or, at least, that’s what I thought I wanted. Blah. If we did move back, I’d probably hate it and would cry and cry from homesickness for HERE. I’d miss the quiet and the open spaces and the sky. But then I’d just go out for Rita’s frozen chocolate custard and all would be well again. Right now the quiet is mocking me.
Ya know, like the times you try and work hard and be honest and treat people with respect and work hard and do the right thing and it always seems to come back to bite you. And people in power over you love to take advantage of these traits.
I’m so stressed out, I don’t want to do anything. Screw housework, screw everything. I just want to sit and cry and scream. This feeling of helplessness sucks. I can’t fix it. We can’t ever come out looking like the good guys.
I know everything we “suffer” is rather small in the grand scheme of things, but it still sucks.
Pretty much, yeah. I’m so proud of myself. I wanted to just kick back and not even clean up the remainders of Sunday dinner, and I did for a few hours (well, I fed R twice and helped plant the garden), but I knew I couldn’t go to bed without doing a single non-essential, so I bargained with myself that I would be ok if I just emptied and reloaded the dishwasher. So I did that. And apparently got some momentum going because then I wiped the counters and stove, cleaned the table off completely and wiped it, and felt pretty good. And then I figured it would take me 3 minutes to sweep the floor and I should just do it now. And then I went out and got the sheets off the line and made our bed. So stupidly easy, all the non-negotiables done and DONE. My Monday morning will thank me heartily. Even though unloading the dishwasher was tedious and boring.
Anyways, the time has come for me to institute another non-negotiable. Ugh, so many to choose from and I don’t want to add one that’s going to overwhelm me, but I think I’m ready to add a 5-minute pickup. *gulp* This is going to be hard. How in the world am I going to be able to stop at 5 minutes? How am I going to be able start by knowing the mess will take much longer than 5 minutes? By focusing on the 5 minutes, I guess.
The only non-negotiable I got done yesterday was making the bed and loading a very dishes. Didn’t even run the dishwasher because I got home pretty late.
First thing in the morning, I was up’n’at’em to print materials for client folders and then I got everything ready for the kids and myself, in case I got called to a birth while I was in Dix. Well, I didn’t get called, but I did have an afternoon and evening full of appointments. It was a busy day.
Then, first thing this morning, a current client texted to let me know that it looks like labor is somewhere around the corner, so I restocked the kids’ go bags, double-checked my supplies, put in a load of laundry, showered, and threw the kids in the car to run into town and pick up our side of freezer beef from the butcher so I could get it home and in the freezer before called. Rearranged the freezer to fit everything in and make multiple things accessible, hung out the laundry, messaged with several clients and potential clients, grilled burgers for lunch, fed R, enjoyed just sitting and nursing in the most beautiful spring weather imaginable, and then hung another load of laundry. Came inside and took care of today’s non-negotiables, sweeping the floor, tidying the kitchen and loading the dishwasher. It’s been a not-too-bad day. The living room is a huge mess, but at least the carpet is clean, thanks to the new vacuum.
So now I’m laying down to rest (right after I made the bed, of course). I should be planting some stuff in the garden, but I have a feeling my client’s labor will kick in tonight and I don’t want to be exhausted from the day’s labors when that happens. Resting: it’s part of my job, teehee.
But I do feel like things are starting to ease up a little, now that I’m working in mini-maintenance with the non-negotiables. It only takes a few minutes a day, if I don’t get interrupted, and it will only get better as I add more tasks and really BUILD these habits. If I stick with it, that is. Fingers crossed. There’s still a lot of decluttering and organizing to do and I haven’t tackled anything yet because I’ve been waiting for this baby to come, but the success in other areas is certainly good motivation to make the dust fly on some organizing projects.
That’s what yesterday kind of was. The only non-negotiable I didn’t get done was running the dishwasher before I went to bed and that was purely out if laziness, but there really WASN’T enough dishes to anywhere near fill it. So, really, it wasn’t a *bad* day, except I was walking around in an exhausted, unmotivated haze. Not sure what’s up with that, maybe I glutened myself or something.
It quite start off on the right foot when we got the kids up and left the house around 7:40 to go into town and get our voting done. I ran a few errands and by the time we got home, it was 10:30, D was asleep in her car seat and G and R were seriously grumpy. And I was practically falling asleep on my feet. So we had some quiet time, had lunch, I fed R, and thought I would get some stuff done after that, but I was still so sleepy that I laid on the couch and tried to nap. Not so successfully. But I was a little worried my post dates client would call for me and I wasn’t in good shape for being up all night, so I rested anyways. Finally, I couldn’t really shake the exhaustion, so I popped two B12s and finished my chores (except for loading the dishwasher), planted some salad greens and herbs and that was it for the day. Lame.
But it could be worse. Often I have a really hard time climbing back up after days like that. But since there weren’t piles of dishes and icky counters to begin with, it’s a lot easier to pick up where I left off, without being completely destroyed and overwhelmed again. It’s just annoying because it was a perfectly beautiful and wide-open day, but I got nothing done.
And now that I’m motivated today, we have a play date at the park. So that means it will be afternoon by the time I get back. I probably should have done the non-negotiables right away when I got up this morning, before R was up, but there was some stuff I HAD to get done on the computer, so I managed to do that instead. And I have other stuff to do down there before bedtime too. Ugh. Rat race.
What I *really* want to do today is CLEAN with the new vacuum that’s supposed to come this afternoon. The house is disgusting. Hopefully I can get to some of it this afternoon. Oh, and I need to bake a birthday cake and wrap a present too. And tidy the living room so I can actually do the vacuuming.
But here’s a picture of my clean bathroom from the other day, with the new bright rug, hand towel, and toilet seat cover.
I don’t know what number to call it without driving my OCD nuts.
It’s been a decent morning. I’ve decided I should aim to do my blog post earlier in the day, NOT after I’m curled up in bed. Good motivation for getting all those non-negotiables done right off the bat.
So far I’ve:
-unloaded the dishwasher
-swept the floor
-made the bed
-wiped the kitchen counters and table
-washed and hung out 2 loads of laundry
-collected and sorted the dirty laundry
Non-housekeeping items accomplished include making lunch and communicating with potential clients, the latter of which is very satisfying.
Now, I should probably go wake R and feed her and then do a bigger, more ambitious project. Like, cleaning the bathroom, or picking up the atrocity of the living room, or a small decluttering project. We’ll see.
…and everything in its place. I’m beginning to recognize that this is just going to have to be my housekeeping motto. Or rather, our family’s housekeeping motto, because I can’t so everything by myself. But keeping things picked up makes actual cleaning so much easier, both practically and psychologically. It sounds so easy; why can’t I be disciplined enough to just follow through. Yeah, *sigh*, Slob Vision: the inability to see minor disarray until it’s suddenly a huge, overwhelming mess. I just have to push and train myself. But that’s only half the battle- how am I ever gonna teach it to the kids? Hopefully if they see me tidying and putting away and making things look nice, they’ll start building the habits too. D is already a good little picker-upper and cleaner- when she wants to be, of course.
I can hardly believe it’s already Sunday night and time to choose another non-negotiable. I did pretty good with un/reloading the dishwasher every day and running it every night this week. Which was great- it’s amazing how the dishwasher does a much better job when it’s not crammed full of two days’ worth of dishes! I don’t feel like it’s a habit yet, it’s still something I have to focus on and remind myself constantly to do, but so is making the bed and I’ve been doing that regularly for over 2 weeks now.
Although, I’m hoping that as I add more daily non-negotiables that I will develop more of a routine that helps things get done in an organized and efficient manner. Right now, there have been days where the bed wasn’t made until 1 PM and where it took all morning to get the dishwasher unloaded. I guess one could say this is unpredictable life with young kids, but they’ve been saying at school that having a daily structure and routine at home is so helpful to kids in the classroom and I really want to figure something out for the summer, so we have something to go from when G starts K in the fall. I have a handy little app called Chore Monster that I’m going to be using to reward daily chore completion. We’ll see how it goes.
But anyways, back to non-negotiables, I proclaim this week’s new task to be a daily sweeping of the kitchen floor. Just one more little thing that needs to be kept after and I want to become an automatic habit.
None of it is becoming very habitual yet, and I have SO far to go, but I am feeling good about this slow and steady course of action.