Soooo ridiculously homesick it’s not even funny. For a place I haven’t lived in nearly 5 years. A place that I usually can’t wait to leave after a week or two there on vacation. But right now I want to go back so bad I can almost taste it. I don’t care about the humidity or the traffic or the all around crowdedness. I want to go to the mall and hang out with my sister-in-laws, I want to be 5 minutes from people I can hang out with any time I want, I want to be able to jump in the car and make a random Sonic run, I want to make picnic plans with friends, have childless fun with other couples. I want to not always be feeling the cultural divide. Of course, I will always have a cultural divide anywhere I go, but I can deal with it there. I’m just so bored and lonely and depressed and lonely. Everything is the same old, same old. I need some spontaneity. My house is dirty and there are three loads of laundry to hang out, that won’t change no matter where we live, but at least there I could go somewhere fun to escape from it. Pretty much, I just wanna give up and go to Sharp Shopper. I’m tired of trying to make it work here, tired of always being the odd one out. Yeah, I’m odd in PA, but a little less so. I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe the situation with Farmer Man’s job. Maybe the fact that our dreams seem so far out of reach with a lot of lonely years between now and then. If they ever happen. Maybe we shouldn’t even risk it. Maybe we should just go home now, save ourselves the heartache. I actually did tell Farmer Man that if we don’t have something going in the next 2 years, if I still haven’t found “home” here, we will seriously revisit the issue. I’m tired of trying.
Just. So. Hard.
But that would mean ripping the kids from the only home they’ve ever known. Granted, they’d probably be ok with living near their cousins and family. But they wouldn’t get to attend a small town public school, or be part of a small town community. That’s what I want for them. Or, at least, that’s what I thought I wanted. Blah. If we did move back, I’d probably hate it and would cry and cry from homesickness for HERE. I’d miss the quiet and the open spaces and the sky. But then I’d just go out for Rita’s frozen chocolate custard and all would be well again. Right now the quiet is mocking me.


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