I need drugs

Seriously. I need to find something that helps. Of course, I went off all my supplements when I had mastitis and have just started back on them. Maybe I’ll start feeling better in a few days.
But, ugh. People like me shouldn’t even have kids. Never mind *3* of them. I should live alone in a little hobbit hole or something. How in the world am I supposed to raise them with good habits and a sense of routine when *I* can’t manage to build habits and routines for myself?! Yeah, I guess I probably am a little depressed. Hopefully the fish oil kicks in again soon. But there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. How many times have I said, “Ok, I’m GOING to stick with this,” or something similar? How many different plans and checklists and schedules. Never works. My life is that of a chicken running around with its head chopped off. I try so hard to concentrate and focus on one thing at a time, but it’s impossible. Or maybe I’m just a slowpoke. Maybe that’s why I can never get my short to-do lists accomplished. Judging from what I actually do get done, I’d have to be running at 90 mph all day long, with no stops to eat or pee or do anything but my to-do list to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something substantial. I know people say this is just life with little ones, the house will never be perfectly clean again. Well, I’m not asking for it to be spic and span, I just want it to be decent! How do other moms manage to maintain some degree of cleanliness? I just don’t understand why this has to be so difficult for me. It’s taking over my life. I’d say that sounds unhealthy, except for the part where having a clean house is important. Important for sanitation, as well as important for children to develop their own standards and sense of order. So important. And yet, so impossibly out of reach.
Yes, I’m working on building my habits of daily tasks, but I’m only up to 2 non-negotiables and yesterday it took almost all my focus to actually complete making the bed and un/reloading the dishwasher. If it takes all day long to do those little things, how am I actually supposed to work up to more? *sob*
And it’s not just housekeeping. This lack of healthy habits and routines is the story of my life. In everything. I’m doing good if I remember to brush my teeth every day for a week straight, never mind any other beauty or self-care routine. Or anything else that should be done regularly.
My poor kids. We never do anything fun or crafty because I can’t even keep up with the basics. And yes, the basics are important. Merely as a basic standard of cleanliness.
So if I say that I don’t need the house/my life to be perfectly clean and organized, what DO I expect? What is this bare minimum I want to achieve?
Well, here it is:
I want the kitchen floor swept, the countertops all empty, except for what lives there, the dirty dishes in the dishwasher or in the dishpan under the sink, the living room floor picked up, all surfaces free of extra clutter, no trash laying around, all the blankets picked up and folded, trash cans emptied, coats and shoes hung up and put away. The bathroom floor would be swept, vanity and toilet wipes down. In the basement, the floor would be swept and clean, the cobwebs swept down, the changing table cleaned off, the piles of cardboard boxes would be GONE, the desk would be tidied, the couches would be cleaned off and not used as a place to pile the clothes. And none of this is even considering the kids bedrooms. But none of that sounds too difficult or like in asking too much. Except, apparently, it is. Where to start, where to start? I guess I sort of have by working on these two daily non-negotiables. Small victories. I guess. Very small. I guess I just keep doing them until I don’t have to think about it anymore and adding new habits and eventually it will all fall into place? I’ll have a picked up, semi-clean house, can sit down and work at desk work for a few hours every week, and will have eliminated enough stress to where the kids and I can go out and do something fun once in awhile? Oh yeah, then we can start picking up the yard… Blah.
Whatever. I’m still in bed and if I don’t get up soon, this day will completely go to shit and I’ll never begin to catch up. D probably has a poop mess in her pull-up that’s halfway up her back by now- let’s not even talk about my inability to stick with potty-training. R needs to wake up and eat. Oh, wait, nobody has had breakfast yet. Awful. I’ll get up, I guess. Make the bed, unload the dishwasher. Oatmeal for breakfast because it’s fast and easy. I have no idea about lunch. Or supper. Can’t even go grocery shopping because we are out of grocery money for the month. I give up.
My daily checklist for yesterday is as follows:
-made the bed
-paid a stack of bills
-put together teacher gifts
-swept kitchen floor
-un/reloaded dishwasher
-wiped down kitchen counters, oven, and table
-washed and dried two loads of laundry


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