Depression: I haz it and it sucks

So much for getting in a routine and keeping house. Bullshit. At the moment, things are spiraling out of control. I just don’t care anymore. Well, I do. I care a lot. The dirt and piles that are accumulating are making me very sad and crazy, but I get no satisfaction from actually doing something about it, whatsoever. Get all the laundry caught up on? Who cares. It’s not really caught up on anyways. Get the kitchen spic and span? Yeah, right, that’s not happening any time soon. All I can think about is how I’ll have to do it all over again in a matter of hours. There is no motivation whatsoever. I’m sick and tired of everything. Sick of cleaning up pee accidents. And poop. So much poop. Sick of everything I touch being sticky, greasy, grimy, or all of the above. Sick of feeling the crunch on the floor everywhere I walk. Sick of the flies. Sick of cooking, but mostly sick of cleaning up. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. I want to stay in bed and cry. Or hide under the blankets so I don’t have to see the messy, filthy bedroom and forget about how miserable I am. Yeah, I know, I’m just lazy and lame. That’s what I’m thinking too. Except that this spiraling around the drain totally coincides with my running out of my inositol supplements a couple of weeks ago. Of course, it’s one of the more expensive of my supplements. And there is literally no money to buy more at the moment. It sucks. *I* suck. I know, depression lies, but at the moment I have no truths to combat those lies. I fail at all the things right now. Even the simplest things of keeping clean sheets on all the beds. Or keeping the trash can emptied. Or keeping a handle on the budget. Or keeping paperwork filed. Or keeping my kick ass desk clean and organized. Or cooking decent food. Or, or, or anything. I haven’t been yelling at the kids, so that’s good. They are the only source of joy in my life right now and we have fun. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because it’s my duty to them. And I don’t want to have to deal with the disasters that happen when little people are not supervised.

I’m learning that I don’t get depressed and cranky because the house is a mess. That’s what it feels like. That’s what I thought was my problem before I actually learned what depression is and that I’ve had symptoms for YEARS. The house becomes a mess when my brain starts going down, down, down. It has to do with brain chemicals and hormones and motivation and shit like that. But it’s awful hard to live in that hole and even harder to start cleaning up, figuratively and literally, the aftermath and climbing out of that hole without help. Ugh. Just, ugh. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t keep going like this. But what else is there to do? Literally, what else can I do about it? The supplements are out of the budget for now. As is any kind of counseling. Getting on top of this funk with “simple” positive thinking and gratitude seems positively impossible and overwhelming at this juncture in time. Miserable. And it’s not like talking to anybody else is actually going to help anyways. Farmer Man is busy. I can tell him, but what exactly can he do about it? Say, “Well, sorry about that, have fun getting back on top again?” He has too much to do anyways. Stuff like harvest and milking the cow and getting ready for winter and crap like that. Because there is NOTHING anybody can or will do to help. It’s all up to me. And it SUCKS. Dealing with it alone makes it even more overwhelming.

Leaving the house is a relief, somehow. But so exhausting. And there’s no money to spend and nowhere to go anyways. And nothing at home gets done while we’re gone. Not that anything more than the bare minimum is accomplished while we’re home as it is. I know, back to being sick of how gross everything, why don’t I just do something about it? Because, that’s why. Because in order to clean up the laundry room, I need to get the shelf over the washer and dryer organized. And to do that, I need to pull down the pile of heavy things that will fall on my head. And once I do that, I need to figure out what to do with the things that don’t really belong up there. And IF I get that far, I need to go through all of the clothes and sort them by size and whether I’m keeping them or not. And that’s just one room of impossibility. That’s the problem with everything. Why put something away if I don’t know where AWAY is and even if I do, adding this item to the pile where it belongs will simply add to that pile and I’ll probably forget where it is if I put it there, so better to leave it right where it is so I know where it is the next time I’m looking forward. So much logic, I know.

So much frustration, not enough words. Kids need to eat. I’m afraid to go upstairs because I’ve been sitting down here budgeting and paying bills because it NEEDS to be done, but I’ve been hearing the ruckus the whole time. *sigh*

Well, screw that

Ok, not really, but sorta. In a mostly fun turn of events, we discovered gorgeous hardwood flooring under the ratty carpet while painting the living room and now the whole main floor is in an uproar since we ripped up all the carpets in the bedrooms too, but need to wait on paint for those rooms. Soooooo, I guess I’ll focus on keeping the kitchen in shape so I don’t get too overwhelmed and just quit completely.
Here’s some pictures of the living room:

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No new non-negotiables

Because I only managed to hit all of them on one day last week. So this week I’m going to try writing them on the blackboard in the kitchen and checking them off. Because I am genuinely having a hard time remembering them all as my brain swirls through the day.
Ugh. Having so much anxiety this morning. Probably triggered by paying the bills this morning. Or maybe I ate something detrimental. I dunno, but it’s bordering on feeling like PPD. This whole weekend has been kind of iffy. Part of it may be the fact that I haven’t even been keeping up with these 5 small tasks, never mind any bigger organizing projects. Yeah, when I do the non-negotiables, it helps a lot with maintaining, but it doesn’t do a thing for the big mess on my desk or in the Suburban. I need to figure out a better system for mail and paperwork too. Blargh. Patience, I guess. Hopefully these habits will make it possible to start in on the big stuff after awhile. But it’s pretty discouraging right now.

This wagon is nice

Yesterday was a good day, even though I was either gone or preparing to be gone all day long. Wasn’t planning to be gone until 4:30, but I was. But I got up before 6 and got my non-negotiables done and wasn’t trying to play catch-up when I got home and that was really, really nice.
My goals for today involve the same non-negotiables, putting away piles of laundry and washing more (seriously, catching up on laundry and making AAAAALLLLL TEH THINGS CLEAN is an obsession in the impossible). Putting away laundry is not my favorite thing, but I just turn on an interesting podcast and do it, it doesn’t take too long. Even piles.
And then once I’ve done the dailies and put away the laundry, I should probably wipe down the bathroom and vacuum the living room before either gets too bad. And if I get that far, the grass is super, super long and I need to zip it off quick before the dew comes on.
Yep, there’s my housekeeping priorities for the day.
I should confess though that my blessed husband has both unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher yesterday and this morning, sweet man that he is.

Falling off the wagon, again

Uuuugggggh… When did I last post? Well, too long ago, I know that much. I can’t say I’ve completely fallen off the wagon with the new habits (that aren’t habits yet), I’ve unloaded and reloaded and run the dishwasher at least once every day, I think. Maybe missed once or twice. But the bed hasn’t been made, nor the floor swept, nor the picking up for 5 minutes. I’m slipping back into old habits of NO habits and I don’t like it and I’m not going to let it happen! I think part of it is that when I WAS accomplishing those non-negtioables, I realized how it really wasn’t THAT hard and when I slipped up, I figured, well, it’s not really that hard, I can catch up tomorrow. Yeah, no, NOPE! Not going down that path again! These habits WILL stick, if it’s the last thing I do. The other thing is that I’m getting too many non-negotioables, I can’t remember them all, lol. Sounds dumb, but it’s the truth. I try to remember what else I’m supposed to do, but as I’m thinking, I’m also seeing other stuff to do and I go do that and forget about the non-negotioables for then. I know, I just need to do them in the morning and get them done and I’ve been trying, but it generally takes all day to work through the short list of tasks, due to, ya know, looking at someone’s tower and getting someone else a drink and cleaning up someone else’s poop and the hours it takes to keep all the people fed. And the fact that I’m so distractible and any one of these disruptions can derail the whole list for an hour or more, until I remember what it was I was TRYING to accomplish. But anyway, excuses, excuses. Here is a reiteration of the non-negotioables I’m up to, this is what I will be working to get back on track this week: 

-Make the bed

-Sweep the kitchen floor

-Un/reload/run the dishwasher

-5-minute pickup

I’m not adding anything new this week because I really just need to work harder on these. I think I’m going to try writing them down in a visible place as a reminder that I can see and hopefully actually notice, and also so I can check them off. Because that’s totally worked before. HA.

Homesick, part 2

Here’s the annoying thing: I think I’m actually on my way to being somebody in the birth world here. Like, a leader or something. I could get my CBE and really do some good. Professionally I think I could do ok here. But on the other hand, I could probably fill up my doula schedule a lot faster there. I wouldn’t have to be a leader, I could just be one of probably many doulas, building up to 4-5 births a month a lot faster. Let someone else do the childbirth classes. Maybe I could even be involved in a doula agency. And we could probably put the kids in a decent private school with that income. Bah. But who wants that?
Oh yeah, me. Because I’m sick of striving and putting up sheer boredom and loneliness.

Homesick

Soooo ridiculously homesick it’s not even funny. For a place I haven’t lived in nearly 5 years. A place that I usually can’t wait to leave after a week or two there on vacation. But right now I want to go back so bad I can almost taste it. I don’t care about the humidity or the traffic or the all around crowdedness. I want to go to the mall and hang out with my sister-in-laws, I want to be 5 minutes from people I can hang out with any time I want, I want to be able to jump in the car and make a random Sonic run, I want to make picnic plans with friends, have childless fun with other couples. I want to not always be feeling the cultural divide. Of course, I will always have a cultural divide anywhere I go, but I can deal with it there. I’m just so bored and lonely and depressed and lonely. Everything is the same old, same old. I need some spontaneity. My house is dirty and there are three loads of laundry to hang out, that won’t change no matter where we live, but at least there I could go somewhere fun to escape from it. Pretty much, I just wanna give up and go to Sharp Shopper. I’m tired of trying to make it work here, tired of always being the odd one out. Yeah, I’m odd in PA, but a little less so. I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe the situation with Farmer Man’s job. Maybe the fact that our dreams seem so far out of reach with a lot of lonely years between now and then. If they ever happen. Maybe we shouldn’t even risk it. Maybe we should just go home now, save ourselves the heartache. I actually did tell Farmer Man that if we don’t have something going in the next 2 years, if I still haven’t found “home” here, we will seriously revisit the issue. I’m tired of trying.
Just. So. Hard.
But that would mean ripping the kids from the only home they’ve ever known. Granted, they’d probably be ok with living near their cousins and family. But they wouldn’t get to attend a small town public school, or be part of a small town community. That’s what I want for them. Or, at least, that’s what I thought I wanted. Blah. If we did move back, I’d probably hate it and would cry and cry from homesickness for HERE. I’d miss the quiet and the open spaces and the sky. But then I’d just go out for Rita’s frozen chocolate custard and all would be well again. Right now the quiet is mocking me.