Ok, not really, but sorta. In a mostly fun turn of events, we discovered gorgeous hardwood flooring under the ratty carpet while painting the living room and now the whole main floor is in an uproar since we ripped up all the carpets in the bedrooms too, but need to wait on paint for those rooms. Soooooo, I guess I’ll focus on keeping the kitchen in shape so I don’t get too overwhelmed and just quit completely.
Here’s some pictures of the living room:
Because I only managed to hit all of them on one day last week. So this week I’m going to try writing them on the blackboard in the kitchen and checking them off. Because I am genuinely having a hard time remembering them all as my brain swirls through the day.
Ugh. Having so much anxiety this morning. Probably triggered by paying the bills this morning. Or maybe I ate something detrimental. I dunno, but it’s bordering on feeling like PPD. This whole weekend has been kind of iffy. Part of it may be the fact that I haven’t even been keeping up with these 5 small tasks, never mind any bigger organizing projects. Yeah, when I do the non-negotiables, it helps a lot with maintaining, but it doesn’t do a thing for the big mess on my desk or in the Suburban. I need to figure out a better system for mail and paperwork too. Blargh. Patience, I guess. Hopefully these habits will make it possible to start in on the big stuff after awhile. But it’s pretty discouraging right now.
Yesterday was a good day, even though I was either gone or preparing to be gone all day long. Wasn’t planning to be gone until 4:30, but I was. But I got up before 6 and got my non-negotiables done and wasn’t trying to play catch-up when I got home and that was really, really nice.
My goals for today involve the same non-negotiables, putting away piles of laundry and washing more (seriously, catching up on laundry and making AAAAALLLLL TEH THINGS CLEAN is an obsession in the impossible). Putting away laundry is not my favorite thing, but I just turn on an interesting podcast and do it, it doesn’t take too long. Even piles.
And then once I’ve done the dailies and put away the laundry, I should probably wipe down the bathroom and vacuum the living room before either gets too bad. And if I get that far, the grass is super, super long and I need to zip it off quick before the dew comes on.
Yep, there’s my housekeeping priorities for the day.
I should confess though that my blessed husband has both unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher yesterday and this morning, sweet man that he is.
Uuuugggggh… When did I last post? Well, too long ago, I know that much. I can’t say I’ve completely fallen off the wagon with the new habits (that aren’t habits yet), I’ve unloaded and reloaded and run the dishwasher at least once every day, I think. Maybe missed once or twice. But the bed hasn’t been made, nor the floor swept, nor the picking up for 5 minutes. I’m slipping back into old habits of NO habits and I don’t like it and I’m not going to let it happen! I think part of it is that when I WAS accomplishing those non-negtioables, I realized how it really wasn’t THAT hard and when I slipped up, I figured, well, it’s not really that hard, I can catch up tomorrow. Yeah, no, NOPE! Not going down that path again! These habits WILL stick, if it’s the last thing I do. The other thing is that I’m getting too many non-negotioables, I can’t remember them all, lol. Sounds dumb, but it’s the truth. I try to remember what else I’m supposed to do, but as I’m thinking, I’m also seeing other stuff to do and I go do that and forget about the non-negotioables for then. I know, I just need to do them in the morning and get them done and I’ve been trying, but it generally takes all day to work through the short list of tasks, due to, ya know, looking at someone’s tower and getting someone else a drink and cleaning up someone else’s poop and the hours it takes to keep all the people fed. And the fact that I’m so distractible and any one of these disruptions can derail the whole list for an hour or more, until I remember what it was I was TRYING to accomplish. But anyway, excuses, excuses. Here is a reiteration of the non-negotioables I’m up to, this is what I will be working to get back on track this week:
-Make the bed
-Sweep the kitchen floor
-Un/reload/run the dishwasher
I’m not adding anything new this week because I really just need to work harder on these. I think I’m going to try writing them down in a visible place as a reminder that I can see and hopefully actually notice, and also so I can check them off. Because that’s totally worked before. HA.
Here’s the annoying thing: I think I’m actually on my way to being somebody in the birth world here. Like, a leader or something. I could get my CBE and really do some good. Professionally I think I could do ok here. But on the other hand, I could probably fill up my doula schedule a lot faster there. I wouldn’t have to be a leader, I could just be one of probably many doulas, building up to 4-5 births a month a lot faster. Let someone else do the childbirth classes. Maybe I could even be involved in a doula agency. And we could probably put the kids in a decent private school with that income. Bah. But who wants that?
Oh yeah, me. Because I’m sick of striving and putting up sheer boredom and loneliness.
Soooo ridiculously homesick it’s not even funny. For a place I haven’t lived in nearly 5 years. A place that I usually can’t wait to leave after a week or two there on vacation. But right now I want to go back so bad I can almost taste it. I don’t care about the humidity or the traffic or the all around crowdedness. I want to go to the mall and hang out with my sister-in-laws, I want to be 5 minutes from people I can hang out with any time I want, I want to be able to jump in the car and make a random Sonic run, I want to make picnic plans with friends, have childless fun with other couples. I want to not always be feeling the cultural divide. Of course, I will always have a cultural divide anywhere I go, but I can deal with it there. I’m just so bored and lonely and depressed and lonely. Everything is the same old, same old. I need some spontaneity. My house is dirty and there are three loads of laundry to hang out, that won’t change no matter where we live, but at least there I could go somewhere fun to escape from it. Pretty much, I just wanna give up and go to Sharp Shopper. I’m tired of trying to make it work here, tired of always being the odd one out. Yeah, I’m odd in PA, but a little less so. I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe the situation with Farmer Man’s job. Maybe the fact that our dreams seem so far out of reach with a lot of lonely years between now and then. If they ever happen. Maybe we shouldn’t even risk it. Maybe we should just go home now, save ourselves the heartache. I actually did tell Farmer Man that if we don’t have something going in the next 2 years, if I still haven’t found “home” here, we will seriously revisit the issue. I’m tired of trying.
Just. So. Hard.
But that would mean ripping the kids from the only home they’ve ever known. Granted, they’d probably be ok with living near their cousins and family. But they wouldn’t get to attend a small town public school, or be part of a small town community. That’s what I want for them. Or, at least, that’s what I thought I wanted. Blah. If we did move back, I’d probably hate it and would cry and cry from homesickness for HERE. I’d miss the quiet and the open spaces and the sky. But then I’d just go out for Rita’s frozen chocolate custard and all would be well again. Right now the quiet is mocking me.
Ya know, like the times you try and work hard and be honest and treat people with respect and work hard and do the right thing and it always seems to come back to bite you. And people in power over you love to take advantage of these traits.
I’m so stressed out, I don’t want to do anything. Screw housework, screw everything. I just want to sit and cry and scream. This feeling of helplessness sucks. I can’t fix it. We can’t ever come out looking like the good guys.
I know everything we “suffer” is rather small in the grand scheme of things, but it still sucks.