Tired, tired, tired, tired. So tired I feel weak to the core. Emotionally weary. Physically worn out. Spiritually exhausted. HA. Actually, too mentally exhausted to even focus on my spiritual state.
I’m probably depressed again. Which would make sense, since I haven’t been eating the best (too much sugar! too much rice- cheap starches!), nor have I been taking my supplements like I should. I need to start exercising too, now that the weather is finally getting nice again. Even just a daily walk, although I’d like to *try* to tackle the C25K program again and hopefully actually stick with it. But I’m so tired. I want to nap when I have time to walk. But probably, if I just went walking, maybe that would get the right parts of my brain motivated to do more walking and movement. Like Dr. Rudolph says.
It seems, to accomplish everything that we’re trying to do, that we need to be firing on all cylinders. And that is decidedly not happening. Every Sunday afternoon, we have a long to-do list, but we generally end up collapsing in exhaustion, taking ill-afforded naps that don’t seem to do much to revive. This afternoon’s nap was jam-packed full of anxious dreams, muddled visions, and I was so, so tired in the dream, but my mind refused to let me rest in any kind of peace. An all too common theme. Thankfully I was able to catch Rosie before she slipped over a railing and fell 3 floors in this dream.
I don’t know why I’m writing about this here. I have no one to complain to without sounding whiny or like I want something from somebody. But it’s not like I’ve published anything here in a very long time. And I don’t have regular readers. But Facebook didn’t seem like the right place to vent. Again, whiny and asking for something. Not that there’s anything wrong with asking for help. I just wish I knew how. I wish I had the security of knowing that I wasn’t causing undue burden to anybody who might have to hear me complain. Hence, why I don’t write this in a private journal. I *want* to share, but I don’t. I dunno. Too tired to think that hard.
And spring fieldwork hasn’t even started yet.
Soon I will be facing the time of year where I will once again live the life of what nearly amounts to being a single mother. And nothing will be going away. I have a maternity shoot and 2 prenatal visits, plus a doula meeting to attend in Bismarck, an important event to sponsor in Dickinson, and Bountiful Baskets. And that’s just April. I don’t have a free Saturday until a few weeks into May and surely seeding and Farmer Man’s extremely long hours will have begun by then. So now, basically, I try to accomplish everything possible during the week, Saturdays are either full with Bountiful Baskets or I need to leave the older kids with Farmer Man and be gone for my birth work stuff. And then Sunday, beginning with church with no skipping Sunday School because Farmer Man is a teacher (a lesson he generally studies for late Saturday night), and then catching up on the stuff we couldn’t do Saturday, but that really needs to happen on Farmer Man’s days off because the rest of week is filled with long work hours and somebody else dictating his schedule.
None of these things are bad. They’re good. We enjoy serving and fulfilling these duties. Individually. Honestly, we’re not really involved in that much, but when you add in normal everyday stuff–maintaining vehicles, keeping up with a property, caring for animals (including a milk cow), parenting 3 small children, building a swing set for said 3 small children, etc.–and the fact that we do all of these things completely on our own, Farmer Man and I are the only people to keep up with it all. Yeah, exhausting. This is where the lack of a support network comes in.
Sure, we have a great church, we have some good friends. But there’s no one to fall back on. Nowhere to go crash on a couch and check out for a little while because you know there are grandparents or aunts and uncles to keep an eye on the kids while you just decompress and be out of the house with other adults that you don’t have to try to impress. Because you don’t need to impress family. Or, at least, you shouldn’t have to. But hey, it’s our own fault for not staying near that kind of support system.
There’s been a lot good with our move to ND almost 5 years ago. We have a little farmstead to shape into our dreams. We’re in a small, safe town with an ok school system. Farmer Man has a job that provides sufficiently and maybe a little more.
But the little farmstead: what good is it if Farmer Man has little time to pursue the projects that his dreams consist of. And the little town: what good is it if you aren’t related to anyone and aren’t familiar with the bar scene and have no idea how to break into the social scene or make the kind of friends you can hang out with a bunch because the cultural differences are just so big. We have people over occasionally, but I feel sorry for any families we invited over for a meal because our house is small and hard to entertain in, any extra kiddos makes things loud and rowdy and hard for successful adult visiting and probably just stressful for the other set of parents. And when it’s cold out, there’s nowhere else for the kids to be except inside with their boundless energy. And when it’s warm, well, everybody is busy with farming and stuff. Oh yeah, except me. I’m busy with single mom stuff, but I’m on a team of my own while Farmer Man works his tail off on someone else’s farm. Which brings me to the job that puts bread on the table. It’s all well and good working for someone else. It would be better with regular hours. And something of a future, something to build a career on, or a future where Farmer Man can come home, where we can strive forward together as a family, where we can make our own hours and schedule. But hey, yeah, that’s probably a pipe dream, too good to be true. At one time we thought this job was leading to that kind of life, but I guess it’s not now after all.
Does that mean I want to move back to PA? No. I don’t fit in there either. And we can’t afford it from a financial standpoint. We can’t give our kids the life we want to give them in that locale. But maybe that’s not important? Maybe a support network is more important? But living near my family in MT is not really an option either. A little distance is ok when it comes to that side. *sigh*
Something needs to give, but I don’t know what. My birth work is where my heart is, but as it stands, I don’t feel like I’m having my cup filled in a way that I can then put all of my energies into my clients, the all-in effort that they deserve.
Bountiful Baskets needs to go, I know that much. I want to keep our site, I want to be involved, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep running it. I suppose I shouldn’t care if we keep our site. I could simply refuse to burden us with it any longer, there’s actually another site in another town a little closer that’s run by someone else, I could always just go there for affordable produce and only worry about the occasional volunteering. But I’d be letting our town down. The community I’m trying to become a part of. Although, I’m not sure people care that much anyways. People tell us thank you for bring BB to our town, but I’m not sure anybody would really take steps to make sure it stays here, or would really miss it if it was gone. Lol, this sounds like BB site suicide; “No one will miss me, might as well end it all.”
But I can’t even put in to words the relief it would be not to be the responsible volunteer site coordinator. It would be amazing. But then, everybody else in town is just as busy (or busier) as we are, so who am I going to ask to take over just because I’m tired?
I guess I’m just weary of trying to balance the constant game of catch-up with the effort of getting ahead. Never gonna catch up, really, probably never really gonna get ahead either. Forget chasing dreams. Not that I wouldn’t encourage anyone else to go after their calling, but it’s feeling pretty impossible for us. How silly we are. Right now my dreams consist of 4 births a month, making enough to pay someone to pickup and clean my house once a week, being a good mommy who is present and balanced when I’m home, good friends to hang out with a couple of times a month, and a little decompression time for little ol’ introvert me. Oh, and I’d like to stay here on the prairie, and be more than co-parenting roommates with my dear Farmer Man. I miss him. I miss sex. Blah.
And now this word salad shall come to an end. No resolutions, but at least it’s out there.


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Huge, Wonderful, Beautiful, Amazingly Perfect!

I know, *gasp*, I’m posting. Well, I kinda use this blog as a way to motivate myself and track my progress when it comes to clutter and organization. And, frankly, there’s not been a whole lot to track in that department. Survival. That’s what my life has been. Although, since I’ve cut out grains and sugar, my depression and anxiety have lessened by 95%, I kid you not. Huge, HUGE improvement. And today I actually saw proof that my focus/concentration/attention issues may be improving as well. For some reason, I got motivated to tackle this rather mammoth project, or at least, at one time it would have completely overwhelmed me. Anyways, I started this afternoon during nap time and I had a few interruptions to feed people and so on, but I kept plugging away at it until I finished it this evening. Well, almost finished. You’ll see what I mean…

So, here’s the before picture.



Scary, huh? Yeah. We built this big desk a month or so ago so we’d have room to spread out and work. Ha. Yeah. At this point there was no more actual useable workspace than we’d had on the scarily heaped and cluttered, teeny tiny desk previous to this.

But then I got motivated…



Tadaaaaa! My work space. Everything I use on a near-daily basis within easy, but organized reach.





Ahhhh, perfection! Bliss! 

Here’s the whole thing:



JD Man’s space is still not the tidiest, due to me not knowing what to do with all of his stuff and not wanting to get in trouble for pitching it. Which is what I would have preferred to have done with it. But you never know when that random thing you pitched last week will suddenly become necessary to the future of the human race. So, in a pile it sits. I cross my fingers, hoping he appreciates the work I’ve put into the rest of the office space and deals with the last of his stuff accordingly. Please, please!

Oh, and here’s the before of the built-in bookshelf on the lefthand wall.



Well, you can sort of see what it looked like before. You get the idea. And one of G Man’s great grins too.




Again, let’s insert another deep sigh of total satisfaction here: “Ahhhhhhhhh!” Phone books, boxes of blank checks, budgeting tools, printer paper, label maker, little drawers for things like pushpins and staples, blank discs, etc., all placed appropriately for easy reach, depending on how often I need to get to them. Some things are even labeled. Yes, you may ooh and aah. I know I certainly am.

I guess I shouldn’t say in the title of this blog that this project is perfect because, really, it’s not yet. There’s JD Man’s mess, a stack of plastic drawers in the corner to go through, some books on the top shelf of the bookshelf to dispense of (really, they wouldn’t even need to be up there). But all told, this is heaps and heaps and HEAPS better than what it was. When I finished, I kinda just wanted to sit and look at it and marvel because it was so pretty compared to what it was. It’s so pretty and everything has a place now, I’m actually not afraid I’ll lack the discipline to keep it looking this way. A place for everything and everything in its place makes everything soooooooo much better. Slowly but surely, I hope to get the rest of the house looking half this good. Hey, maybe this motivation and focus is here to stay! Wouldn’t that be awesome??? Funny how your food can screw you up that way…

Oh, and this post wouldn’t be complete without a big shout-out to my dear Sandy and her amazing skillz. I did all of the work on the desk today, but several weeks ago she helped me sort through paperwork (that may or may not have been scattered throughout the house) and set up an achievable filing system. That laid the groundwork for me being able to conquer this particular mess. Again, having a place for everything makes organizing SO much easier! 

So, we’ll see when I blog again. If I keep feeling this good, who knows, maybe it’ll be soon!

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I’m lame…

…but I really would love to win this guitar set… Guitar Lessons in Surrey

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I’m back! For today anyways…

Just popping in to show you my bathroom cabinet. I know, I know, long time, no blog. I’ve been organizing and decluttering here and there, just not blogging about it. Although, this is latest “big” project I’ve done in awhile. And I’m embarrassed to say how long it didn’t take, it was not worth the procrastinating.

I went through and through out a bunch of old lotions, cosmetics, etc. Threw. it. awaaaaay. And it feels so good. There’s a basket on top for all of baby girls hair doodads. A Thirty-One All In One Utility Tote to hide my ugly makeup case in. The brown basket for all manner of salves and ointments and bandages and all that jazz. The cabinet is full of Melaleuca cleaning concentrates and other stuff I don’t want the kiddos to get into. The pulls still serve as my make-do jewelry hangers. Nothing fancy, but so much better. It relaxes my mind just to look at it.

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Chalkboard Fun!

Another project post. Again, not really anything to do with housekeeping or organizing, but it is kinda, I guess.

North wall in the kitchen kinda before. I always forget to take photos before I start into projects.
And now, voila!

My chalkboard wall! With to-do and grocery lists and reminders in big letters right in front of me with no chance of missing it! Yes, I am totally an out of sight, out of mind person. I make a list and then invariably misplace said list and forget I made a list and what was on it. Now, hopefully, it’ll be a little hard to lose my list.

This is a to-do list I’ve compiled of daily goals and priorities. I’m trying not to add anything more and make it anymore overwhelming. Yes, simple as it looks, I have a hard time getting more than half of this list accomplished in a day. But, hopefully, and yes, I know I use that word a lot, as I get into a routine, as my house whips itself into shape, I can accomplish all of this and more. I also plan to designate a specific cleaning task to every day of the week. But I’m working on this list right now. That will come.
And another perk of a floor-to-ceiling chalkboard?

Lots of fun for little hands!

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Entryway Project

Not really an organizing task, or even anything to do with depression, just a fun little project that I’ve been planning (and have had the supplies for) for upward of 6 months. And I just now got around to it. Actually, I started this project almost 2 weeks ago, but just got around to tying up the loose ends today.


A little bench with a flip-top lid that JD Man picked up from someone’s trash pile. Cute, but very banged up and worn looking and the white really isn’t the look I’m going for in the living room/entry way. So, on the stillest, most quietest, as well as unseasonably warm day I’ve ever known in North Dakota, I went out to take care of that with a can of black spray paint. Seriously, it was so still and silent it was deafening. Like, you can hear your heart beating and your ear drums feel like they’ll simply explode from the sheer silence. Yes, it’s an oxymoron, but it’s true. But anyways, the only thing I heard, aside from my own heart beating, was the flush and call of a few pheasant. There wasn’t even a breeze. Which is very unusual when you live on the prairie. The only way you could even tell which way the air was moving was by observing the spray paint overspray. But anyways, I’m getting off track. Which doesn’t really bother me because that’s the way my brain works. But it may confuse you. Sorry. But, get used to it.


So, I got it spray painted all pretty and put it next to the front door in the corner of the living room, with a rug under it for all our boots and shoes. Hats and gloves go in the flip-top compartment, which is beyond great. I think it’ll work really well for all those little pieces that I’m continually losing the matches for. Now, if only I could find a similar solution for little people socks!

But anyways, *drumroll*, the finished product…


Quite tidy and sharp-looking, even if I do say so myself. The basket on top is for returns. Because I am horrible at remembering to return borrowed items. Or taking things along for others to borrow. Or returning that others have forgotten at my house. Well, now I have a place for those things. I just need to remember to check the basket before I run out the door.

I kind of have a half plan for putting a board with hooks over the bench, and maybe a mirror over that. But we’ll see if I can find a cheap and cute mirror. The hook board, I’m sure I can find some ideas on Pinterest for making it myself. Or, hehe, getting JD Man to make it for me. Because, while I could manage if my life depended on it, he’s so much better at making the cordless drill do what he wants it to than I am.

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February 14, 2012 · 6:04 pm

Digging Myself Out

THis is what my kitchen looked like Thursday morning. Yeah, not cool, not fun. Especially since the way I feel about working on the rest of the house hinges on how the kitchen is looking. And how I feel about cleaning the kitchen depends on the state of the sink. If the sink is in decent shape, the dishes are all washed in put away, I can clean up the rest of the kitchen pretty effortlessly. And then move onto the living room. But it needs to go in that order. I cannot clean around dirty dishes, no way, no how. And nothing else can be cleaned until the kitchen is clean. Seriously, it can’t happen. I can’t get my head on straight if the kitchen is a mess.

But I hate to wash dishes. HATE. IT. I know that sounds juvenile, but that’s just the way it is. It takes so much of my time and is so boring and not creative or mentally stimulating in the least. And I hate being interrupted. If I can’t get them all washed at once, I’ll wait until I have the time, so they stack up higher and higher. That’s something I’m really trying to fight because I know where my square one to the rest of the house is and it lies in the dishes. A dishwasher is at the very top of my wish list, but I don’t see that happening anywhere in the very near future, so I’ll just have to get used to dealing with the reality of washing dirty dishes and spoons and cups and pots and pans.

Thursday was one of those days where I woke up to this mess and was completely depressed by it, but knew I had to take care of it, or else. Or else, I don’t know what, but it needed to be dealt with by the end of the day or else I would be over the edge with everything else and wouldn’t be able to pull myself back without a lot of help. And, thanks to PBS cartoons, much as I hate that fact, I did conquer it. All by myself, on my own motivation, taking it one step at a time.


Sadly, on this Monday morning, after an extremely busy weekend, it’s back to being almost as bad as it was Thursday morning.

And we start all over again.

Story. of. my. life.


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